Tsumi to Batsu
  Monday, December 25, 2006

I'm wondering if i'm actually really getting over it. I don't know what i'm thinking really. I feel sort of like that proverbial moth drawn to the fucking flame, and i can't seem to stop. I tell myself not to talk to her any more, don't talk to her unless she talks to you, and it somewhat worked. But then sometimes i just have such a huge urge to talk to her, because there really isn't anyone to talk to. And then the conversation would just die, and then I would comfort myself with the thought that it's okay to have started that dead conversation, because we haven't talked in a long time anyway. And i'd tell myself that I still have my pride; i didn't stubbornly try to continue the conversation when she obviously sin't going to say anything other than "haha" and "oh". But then the one or two times when we actually had a conversation going. It felt good, like I had my friend back. But then it'd inevitably die off, and then I'd hurt again.

I found out today that during winter break they were hanging out again. They're inseperable now. Panda Gang. haha. And they definitely seem to be having so much fun. Maybe I should really just give up soon. Now. Immediately. But it's hard, not when that person is that important to you. But even I can tell it's utterly impossible now. At best i'm a sort of friend and a roommate. Maybe I'm as important to her as Jessica by now. I shouldn't even bother any more, because she have no use for me any more.

why did it turn out this way. why, am I really that boring a person? I don't understand. I have never been able to make a good friend and keep them. people change, but why am I so adverse to change? I've always known that I like routine. I prefer that things don't change, but the world doesn't work that way, and I'm getting burned.

I hate fire.

I still don't know what I'm going to do, but I don't think I have much of a choice. Ignore it as best as I can, and move on. Stop caring about what she does. It doesn't concern me, afterall. not at all. I'm very much an outsider, and they won't let me in. I wonder if I want to be let in.

I want to just drown.

Tsumi to Batsu
  Wednesday, December 13, 2006

so then i realized it's not her afterall. it's interesting really, thinking on it. what's important to one person might not be so important as someone else. lately i wonder if alice ever felt as abandoned as i do. why do i even bother. i want to know but i also don't want to know. mostly i just want to know how i can stop thinking. i hate going to sleep now because i always think so much right before sleeping. it's so difficult to acutally fall asleep. and then it's probably twice as bad waking up, realizing sooner or later that life isn't as sweet as sleeping.

i don't know what to do. back then i remembered thinking "don't take this for granted, this happiness everyday. it won't last, nothing lasts forever." but it was so much easier to say it and nod and believe it when i wasn't actually going through it. it seemed so trivial. so what if it doesn't last forever. when it comes, it can't be all that bad, right?

i was so blind. i'm still blind now. why why why why why why why? i know, but i didn't know. because i couldn't feel it. i knew, but at the same time i only knew it. no that doesn't make any sense. what is it. arrrrrrg i just want to stop. stop second guessing her, and me and everyone around me. i want to stop hating all of them, because it really isn't their fault.

it's no one's fault but my own. whose is it to blame when your friend left you? can you blame your friend for being disloyal? But why was she disloyal in the first place? people don't think of that. surely i don't think of that. it's just easier isn't it, to pretend that she was the one who first left me. but that best the question, why? why did she leave you. me.

so she lost interest in me. does that count as disloyalty? is that her fault? but then the question again, is why? why did she loose interest? it's obvious isn't it. the one whose fault it is, it's myself. who was the one who started playing her game, and forgot everyone else? is that truely where this started? no, whose idea was it to live together? I did this to myself. i think i did. yes i did, i brought this all upon myself really

if i ddin't make her my closest friend, i would not here right now. i would not be in this room. half crying, couldn't sleep, loosing a friend. and it is also my own fault that i made her so precious, to the point of having no other friends. i can admit it now. i have no other friends. that wasn't her fault. she didn't say "you can't have other close friends" she didn't do anything. she did what any sane person would do in any situation. she did what she always do.

so it wasn't her, it's me. it's all me. i screwed up, i became not interesting, and in the end, i wasn't even decent enough to realize that i was the one who started this all. haha, how quaint.

so now what. now i know. can i sleep? i dn't know. maybe maybe not. there is no one i can talk to. no one, i have no friends remember hahahahahaha not michael, not susan, not alice, not mom, or dad, and there is no one who cares anyway. why would anyone care. there is nothing nothing nothing for me. i need something. i need. i ;ijwljdl;afiwjjdf a;iwo aojifjdl;jaiwjkljiafje;fooooooooooooooo

Tsumi to Batsu
  Tuesday, November 21, 2006

so then. I guess it's all my own fault really. I should've known that friendship doesn't last like that. Especially if you've started being together so much. Especially since you weren't that close since the beginning. I've only known her for a year. It's coming to a closure now. soon. Next year, I'm going to get an apartment. I'm not going to get it with her. It's impossible. Even if she asks, I'll probably say no. Hell, I doubt she'll ask anyway. May already asked her, and I'm sure she'll just get an apartment with her. That's fine. Perfect even. Haha, May, you'll experience what i'm experiencing today. Maybe. Maybe you'll be lucky. Maybe you're one of those lucky people who won't get hurt. Maybe you won't room with her, only share an apartment. Then lucky you. I hate you enough as it is. I hate you all. Ditch me. haha, fine whatever. I'll get over it. I'm sure i'll get over it. I'm not over it now, but I'll get over it eventually. Next semester's going to be hell, I can tell already. But once that's over, once I get my own apartment and get away from her, then I'll get over it. It's easy when you don't see eachother every day. It's fucking hard when you live together in the same fucking room, and you don't even talk to eachother any more. It's just as well. I just didn't listen to myself that's all. I tasted for a while what it feels like to be not alone, and I thought it'd last forever. Why am I always so stupid. It always happens like this. I just lucked out with Laura. I left before it could happen. With Susan, not so lucky. Wtf was I so stupid as to room with her. God. I'm so stupid and naive. It's not fucking fair. Or maybe that's just me. I'm the type of person that gets nothing. Is it because I don't go and grab oppurtunities? Am I too timid? Lazy? Probably all of it really. I'm so useless. 没能力。 太没用了。 哈哈。 i should've known. why the fuck did i not pay attention to what happened before. history repeats itself, just in different ways. Goddamn it. I want to get out of here. Fucking hell I'd love to go somewhere right now. Screw the test tomorrow. I'm so tired. I'm so sick of this. I want her to leave. I want to leave myself. I don't want to be here any more. Let me leave. I want to get away. 我不想呆在这里了。 我想出去。 我想走。 来人哪，待我走吧。 I can't take it anymore. God. I don't want to see her anywhere around me. But at the same time when she's not here I know she's obviously having fun somewhere without me. And she's having fun while I'm being miserable. What is wrong with me. Goddamn it. This is what happens when you make a friend. This is what happens when you loose them. you start to mean absolutely nothing to them. Soon I think I won't be talking to her any more, beside the usual stuff when you live together. We're already strangers to eachother now. And the stupid thing is, I don't think she cares anyway. Haha. It's all my own bloody fault anyway. I took her to be too important. Teaches me not to ever do that. No one is more important than myself. Trust no one. Like no one. And you won't get hurt.

Tsumi to Batsu
  Friday, June 9, 2006

So I did this survey a loooooooong time ago, so I was bored and decided to retake it. After the question, first is what I originally answered. In paranthesis after the initial response is what I now answer. There are a few parants in there that was from the original answer though, but I htink you can figure out which is from where.

1. Your Name:
Kai E. Yukashi. No that it's REAL mind you, but I'm sticking to it. (same as before, lol)

2. What would your name be if you were an RPG character?
Kai (yup, this still haven’t changed. Looks like this nick is actually gonna stick with me for a while)

3. Favorite RPG:
FF 7, probably, though Suiko2 comes VEEEEEEEEEERRY close. ^^;;;; (Xenosaga lol, yeah my fav definitely changed. What can I say, the awe-inspiring plotline and scenes totally took my breath away. Shin Megami Tensei beats Xenosaga on the game play and bizarreness, but Xenosaga got it beat on plotline. And yeah, FF7’s a bit old for me to consider it “Fav RPG” any more. But it’s still definitely up there.)

4. Favorite RPG Character?
Oh geez… x____x um, probably Cloud from FF7, though I loveloveloveloveLOVE Nanami SOOOOO much. ^_____^ Not only is she one of the few main female characters I can stand, she goes much beyond just "likable". She's just…awesome. But, er, still probably Cloud. ^^;;

(um, probably not Cloud any more. I might actually go for Riku in Kingdom Hearts, just because I adore him so much. Cloud is tortured, but in FF7AC, he’s become almost pathetic. I still like him, but they over dramatized him I think. Riku, imho, is tortured in a completely different way. He didn’t have a difficult childhood or anything, but it’s his strength and his confidence that dragged him down into the darkness, and throughout the game you see him becoming worse, yet you can tell that he’s slowly understanding the mistake that he’s made. And in the end, being closed behind the door, sad eyes, and you just KNOW that he completely understands. Unlike Cloud, who angst over everything, especially about his past, Riku feels a sad acceptance, and he’s ready to atone for it.)

5. Japanese or American RPGs? Which do you prefer:
Japanese. Care to give me an American RPG title first? I don't even know any…. (Japanese. That’s not even a fair question lol. The only American RPG I know of is Legend of Dragoon, and while it’s not the MOST horrible thing in the world, I’d say even FF8 got it beat. >.>;;;)

6. Does it annoy you when the main female character is the stereotypical healer?
It used to. I always thought it's so annoying and stereotypical that female characters have to be weaker, but then I really like Garnet from FF9, so I really have no idea. (hmm, not really, not any more. I sort of don’t really think about it. And with Xenosaga, Shion and KOS-MOS being such powerhouses, it sort of becomes a non-issue)

7. The Final Fantasy Series- RPG God, or Highly Overrated?
Er, somewhere in between, but definitely closer to RPG God, than Highly Overrated. Though it's moving toward the "Highly Overrated" side… >.>;;;; (RPG God with the upcoming FFXII. Arrrrrrg I want it!!)

8. Final Fantasy 8- Refreshing change, or unforgivable mistake?
…it was the most unforgivable mistake Square have EVER done. EVER. I absolutely ABHOR FF8. >.< I think I better stop before I go on a rant. (same, I don’t think my feelings on FF8 will ever change. Although I did start a new game on it, and just played around. The card game’s really good, even if the game itself isn’t)

9. Magic or Fighting?
Depends. In FF games, I use magic a lot since you can replenish MP easily enough, but in Suikoden I almost never use magic, since after using it, you can only refill at the inn. Though I think I use physical a lot more than magic, since there are more random encounters than bosses in any game, and I like to preserve, so I only use high leveled magic that uses lots of MP on bosses. ^^;;; (in action games, Fighting, in FF games, a mix, and in MegaTen games, completely 100% magic. There’s no way you can survive on physical in MegaTen games; it’s just way easier and smarter to use magic and target weaknesses)

10. Why does the main guy always carry a huge sword?
Uh, they do? O.o Well, maybe in FF… but not in Suiko, certainly (thinks of Tir and Riou and salivates). (uh. Stupid phallic symbols. Lol)

11. What number of party members form the ideal party?
Probably somewhere between 4 and 6. Depends on how many available characters overall, though. But for the record, I hate having to ditch one chara for another, which is why I love Tales of Eternia, 'cause there really are only 4 main characters, anyway. XD (probably the same although having 3 members isn’t a complete detriment, as long as the available playable cast isn’t too long. But again Tales of Eternia having only 4 really main playables makes me so happy)

12. Guns- Cool or pointless?
Um, pretty cool. (thinks of Vincent and droolz) But there are…exceptions (thinks of Yuna in FFX-2 and -_-;;; ) (pointless, mostly ‘cause I’m not a shooter gamer)

13. What weapon would YOU equip? twin blade! Definitely. (yeah, probably double dagger, twin blade of some kind. Or mage staff, if I do magic, which is more likely)

14. Is poison really that bad of a status effect?
Yes. I hate poison. >.< Mostly 'cause I never bother taking stuff like antidote with me…and it's especially annoying in Suiko 'cause you have limited space and you can't use stuff in battle unless it's equipped to the chara. (I suppose I just played Suiko and Suiko2 when I took this survey last time lol. Now, though, Poison doesn’t do much to me, so I really don’t care. What scares me more is Charm and/or Panic in the MegaTen games, because that can seriously make or break you)

15. Fire or Ice?
ICE!! (droolz after Shiva-sama) (Shiva-sama will always be the goddess in my heart lol)

16. Long summons or short summons?
Long summons only if I can turn it off to short summons, like in FFX. (yup, same as before, being able to shorten the summons in FFX is probably one of the best part of the game)

17. 2-D or 3-D?
Both are good. (same again, I’m starting Persona 2 again since I dind’t get far last time before loosing interest, and P2’s definitely 2D. I’m hoping to continue playing it once I get back to Berkeley. The plot is so great, but I wish I can play Innocent Sin. I wish someone can fan-translate it and put it up on rom so fans can play.)

18. Claude or Rena?
Claude. (same, although Rena isn’t exactly the worst character in that game actually. But my favorite is Ashton. I don’t think Dias ever made it up to my list of favs, even though I know somewhere I mentioned about Dias being so pretty lol. So basically I equally like and dislike both Claude and Rena.)

19. Is Magus really worth getting?
Mmm…yes, I'd say so, though unfortunately in the boss battles after you get him, you are forced to only use target magic instead of group magic, which made him somewhat useless. But I'd still get him, no matter what. (yeah, if only for the story and character that he brings. I think the game doesn’t feel as complete if you don’t get him. Battle wise, unless you go to other places to lvl, he’s really useless for the next part of the game, but oh well)

20. Chrono Cross- Decent sequel, or crude mockery?
Decent sequel, definitely. It can't really compared to CT, but it's not a bad game by itself. It had problems, but what game doesn't? (it can’t beat CT, but imho CC is a wonderful game on its own. It definitely doesn’t deserve the 10 rating that GameSpot gave it, but I think it’s good anyway)

21. Favorite RPG Main Character?
Cloud Strife. (no longer, probably Riku now lol. OH wait, MAIN Character? Oh dear, uh, uh, Shion. Yeah, a girl, believe it or not. Well, I really like the Shion in Xenosaga I anyway. She was a bit weak at the beginning, but she stood strong for her own ideals, even against Vergil. Throughout the game, she was strong and best of all, she’s not weak as a playable. The ending scene totally clinched her as one of my fav for me, the desperation she feels when she thought she lost KOS-MOS, that’s completely genuine and an indication of the kind of person she is. She LOVES KOS-MOS, whether KOS-MOS’ prototype killed Kevin or not. Imo she belongs with KOS-MOS although Allen is a nice guy and funny and all. XSIII shows Allen playable. That’s just wrong x___x Allen and Miyuki playable! Wtf’s with that, the series’ going to hell when the Trinity leaves. Blah. But yeah, that’s why I say Shion from XSI is probably my fav.)

22. What's your opinion on the undead?
I like vampires… <.< >.> (goes off to drool over Vincent) (uh, not much of an opinion of them now. After the sheer amount of monsters and deities in Megaten games, I think the mild supernatural (anything not Megaten related is considered mild now) stuff in other games means jack shit now lol. And Vincent technically sin’t undead…man what was I ON when I last answered these? XD)

23. Could you tell Aeris was going to die before the end of disc 1?
Yup, 'cause by the time I started to play that game, spoilers are abound. (no kidding that)

24. Are female lead characters acceptable?
Yup, I think so. Though I actually haven't had a chance to play any game with a female lead chara…but I'm definitely looking forward to playing Xenosaga. (HELL YEAH. I adore Shion, I think as a lead female character, she definitely isn’t somehow worse than any of the other game’ lead male characters. She’s strong spirited, and she’s strong in battle too. With KOS-MOS, Shion is very fascinating in the Xenosaga universe. She’s very human, strong in will (will to power anyone?), and best of all, she’s not ANNOYING. I really don’t understand how I figure if a character is annoying or not, but while some people thought she’s annoying, I definitely don’t. I love her. So yeah, female leads can be really awesome when done right).

25. Do you usually find the "secret" characters in RPGs?
Hell yes. I do everything. No "secrets" get by me. (yeah, because even though they’re “secret” characters, usually they contribute to the plot, like furthers the player’s understanding of the story and world. Like Vincent for example. And Yuffie. If you missed those two, the subsequent information wouldn’t make as much sense.)

26. Ever made your own RPG storyline?
Yup, though nothing ever get through. I have plenty of ideas in my head. (yeah, but not as much as novel ideas, but I think I’ve given up on writing. Lol college do a lot to you)

27. Have you ever played a fan-translated or imported RPG?
Nope. I'm a poor person who can't order online. ^^;;;; (yeah, I’ve played a fan-translated RPG. I think)

28. What do you think of RPGs based off of popular anime series?
Hate to say this, but they tend to suck. >.>;;; (um, they can be good, I suppose, I just have yet to see a really good one. .hack doesn’t count because it’s anime based on the game, not the game based on anime. :P)

29. Which is better, being able to see your foes before you fight them, or random encounters?
Random encounters. (sometimes I prefer random, other times I prefer seeing them. It really depends on the game, and how it plays out probably.)

30. Do you own any RPG soundtracks?
Chrono Cross OST. The rest I have (which is a lot) are all mp3s. (Xenosaga I OST, the re-released version. I’m a huge fan of Yasunori Mitsuda, so I actually bought the official Japanese release XSI OST for like $40. Yeah, I was willing to spend that much for a 2 disc soundtrack. Lol I adore Mitsuda, okay? XD)

31. Was Super Mario RPG a little too much?
Never played it, but everyone said it was good. Who knows. (no clue still)

32: Pokemon- Your opinion?
I liked it. I liked the old Pokemon, anyway…I don't really like the new Leagues or even the new game/pokemons. >.>;;; (I liked the old blue and red, and yellow too. The new ones I haven’t really played. Haven’t had time at all. Maybe one of these days I’ll dig up the rom for them. )

33. If you were an RPG character, what level would you be on?
Level -20 -_-;;;;;;; I'm a chubby little person that need to shed a few hundred pounds before I can lift a sword. (uh, now? I’d say around lvl 40 or 50. I’ve been doing wushu and I’ve lost some weight. If you say a physical type character like thief, wielding twin blade, I’ll probably be lvl $35-40. If you say a mage type character, I’ll probably be lvl 50+. Lol)

34. What character class would you be?
Theif, probably. XD (mage, most likely. I might still want to be a thief class, but I think mage class will always fit me far better)

35. You've just completed this survey! What do you think of the ending?
What ending? O.o The ending of the survey? (do I even need to answer this? Lol)

Tsumi to Batsu
  Friday, June 9, 2006

welcome to the newest chapter to Sin and Punishment. You know i named this place after the Dir en Grey song, but considering right now I'm utterly fascinated by Persona 2 Innocent Sin and Eternal Punishment, called Tsumi and Batsu respectively, maybe it'd be a good idea for me to change the webpage layout. lol. But then again, my web designing skill totally sucks, so maybe i'll just not mess with anything. >.>;;

And indeed, I might be back. Sort of. I haven't touched this place in soooooooooo long, maybe even longer than how I left my LJ. why? 'cause I acutally forgot where this was located. I'm such a dumbass sometimes, but basically I forgot that it's located on pitas, and since i forgot where the server was, I coudln't even try to guess my way back on here (ie if I had the server, at least I could guess what i had as my login and password). But yeah, 'cause of that, I just gave up on updating here. Not that I was keeping up with any web journal or offline journal anyway. Well except for GameSpot. But that's just for fun, and not really for my personal thoughts on myself. I usually write whatever I think on games on there though. It's useful, and it's definitely useful to lvl myself up on GS. XD

but now I finally found here. how? because I was a dumbass and forgot that the layout here is exactly the same as the Tsumi to Batsu that houses my wallpapers on the meltokio.net server. In other words, I just have to make a search for insignificance/bailuli/tsumi to batsu, and I come up with a list of websites, one of which is my wallpaper site, and hte other, of course, is here.

duh. >.>;;;

but other than that, not much to say. Hopefully I'll be tempted to keep this place up. It's a whole more interesting to me than stupid xanga, which is there purely for other people. a journal should be one written for myself, for my future reading perhaps. Or maybe I'd be too lazy to reread the entries. but whatever the case is, the entries are purely for my own use, targeted at either an unknown reader that we all don't know, or myself. In fact, I think pitas doesn't even have much of a comment system? I like it better this way.

with xanga, I realized just how much of a commercialization it is for yourself. On it you type entries and posts mainly for your friends or enemies or whoever that's on xanga. You're not typing it for yourself, therefore it's just another mask of yourself. It's never truthful, that persona, and it only wants to type things that might be of interest to others, and you'll always check back to your xanga over and over again, hoping people commented. Maybe it's because I coudln't type interesting entries worth shit and I'm not popular enough so no one ever comments that I find xanga so annoying, but either way, I don't like it.

it feels too fake. Even LJ didn't feel as fake as xanga.

'sides, is it just me, or the templates they give you for that place is SO damned ugly? all the other people's xangas are so ugly as well. x____x it's painful to go there.

any case, not much happening with me now, but a lot definitely happened. it's been almost 2 years maybe since I last posted. I think I last posted near the beginning of my senior year (I deleted a few posts that gave me bad memories). now it's near the beginning of my second year in college.

a lot has happened, and I've changed a lot as well, but I think I didn't change a whole lot. I've made new friends, better friends or maybe not as good. I'm no longer the honor student (Berkeley's too damned hard!) and college life is fun, but really difficult. I'm obsessed with wushu now, and has been practicinig it for about a year now, although I still suck royally. Considering i'm still overweight among other problems, you can tell why i'm not too great. XD

I'm going back to berkeley tomorrow, 1PM flight, and then I'll be staying in an apartment for the summer during summer school, then move back to dorm for next year, rooming with Susan, a new friend. I hate packing so much. *sigh* and i gotta get up uber early to finish the packing really. like putting hte comp away.

anywayz I'm really tired and sleepy now, so I'll type more maybe, if I don't forget and get too lazy, to type once I get back to berkeley.